Can somebody please tell me how can I kick myself, the way that I would really have an impact!!!

I'm pitiful....very pitiful...baket ba kasi nag-iitay ako sa taong wala nmn pakialam! I should really get a life!!! or can somebody give me a life please. Alam ko sinasayang ko ang buhay sa pag-iitay...alam ko darating ang panahon pag-sisisihan ko ito. minsan sinasabi ko sa sarili ko bakit ba ako nagcommit agad, dahil ba may anak kami? ngayon ayaw ko naman aminin pero nagsisisi ako sobrang nagsisisi...ang laki kong tanga! ayokong makasakit ng tao pero ako nmn ang nahihirapan ngayon...gusto ko nang makipaghiwalay pero takot ako sa magiging kalalabasan...Hindi ako ganito dati, ndi ako tao coward kung anong gusto ko ginagawa ko pero bat ngyn ndi ko magawa...pero baket ba ako nagtatanong isa lng nmn ang dhilan kung bakit ako ngtitiis makisama sa lalaking mukhang mabait, malambing pero emotionally battered at walng panahon sakin. Isa lang ang sagot ang anak ko. Ngayon ko nararamdaman ang laht ng mga maling nagawa ko sa buhay ko, ngyon ko pinagsisisihan ang mga naging desisyon ko ang mga pinalampas kong pagkakataon at higit sa lahat ang pag-open up at pagiging vulnerable sa isang tao.

Naiinias ako sa sarili ko dahil mula bata ako lam ko na nawalng patutunguhan ang pag-asa sa ibang tao, masasaktan ka lang, kaya nmn buong buhay ko as much as possible ngin ako umaasa. Lahat ako ang gumagawa para sa sarili, ngyn na may pinili akong asahan...puchang gala!! nagsisisi ako dahil ndi ako dapat ganito ka-vulnerable, ndi ako ung taong umaasa at higit sa lahat ndi ako ung taong umiiyak dhil masakit. Ung Shield ko na pinagkaingt ingatan kong ng almost 20 years, ibinaba ko dahil sa kanya. dahil ang akala ko maaasahan ko xa, pero it just proves na wala akong dapat ashan kung di sarili ko. Kaya I should kick myself para matauhan na. Tama na ito bago pa dumating ang oras na pagtingin ko sa salamin ndi ko na kilala kung cno ang nasa harapan ko.

I hate it!

Why do I have a feeling that my bestfriend is avoiding me? I should be the one avoiding him! After last week, I should be the one putting a space between us and yet he did this to me!. Avoiding me and I can't get through to him. I hate just hate it.

After he told me that "I'm the reason why" in his life...I should be the one doing the disappearing act, but I've decided not to, as I have been to that road before and the out come is not pleasant. I've decided that I'll handle the situation in a mature way that I know that I should do, however, I wasn't able to practice it because he is avoiding me...This is getting ridiculous! I'm typing the word "avoiding" way to many times!

I'm trying not to be affected but after we have renewed about relationship, he is doing an absurd approach to our situation...I'm being a broken record...just repeating what I'm thinking and this is what he is doing to me at the moment! I can't get him off my mind and I'm getting nervous as to what this is going to lead to.

Hate him!

Do you sometimes feel like kicking yourself? Do you sometimes wanted to scream and say "why the hell did I open my mouth" Why did I gave a crappy advise... That's what I'm thinking at the moment. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and I can't go to my bestfriend because first he is the reason behind why I'm feeling like this and second I don't even know what to say. yeah....after openning my mouth...now i have nothing to say...me the great adviser.... the good listener...have nothing to say.

Do'nt he know that the advise given by the adviser is not really applicable to the one who gave it? Well, what to do, I can't avoid him as I've already done that before and see where it led me, another regret and another "what if".

There are two phrases that you can never say too late, "I'm sorry" & "I love you". It seems that in any point in time these phrases are never too late to say. It brings reconciliation and compromise. However in this case it is not something that it should be said. Luckily he haven't but, HE told me I'm the reason why things got compicated with his ex, I'm the reason why he is there in our class event, that I am the reason why, he is where he is, because he full heartedly followed and applied my advises. I'm the reason why he got into an argument with another friend. "you only have a crush on her...but I'm deeply falling inlove with her" he said. The reason why he wrote a song for me. Now how will I not be concerned about this. I thought I have known him all my life and yet I haven't realized that he is already having this feeling. I've kinda afelt it before but I thought it will just pass by as we are very good friends but I was worng.

I'm just kicking myself as to how can I be so blind, insensitive and cruel at times. I should have know that he is having diffuculty and that he is hurting because of the situation, I'm his friend and I didn't even felt it. It is either that he is very good in hiding his feelings, scared or I'm just too self absorb that I didn't notice the change

So now how I'll prevent myself from asking him if I could hear the song, how will I make amends on all the things that I have caused him. How will I approach him now that he some how declared that he like me and finally how can I prevent myself from asking why am I the "reason why"....

I've been away...lost...or probably hiding in the real world for four years...but I've found my voice again in a weird yet deja vu kind a way.

Many of my batchmates might, say been here, done that, seen the real world, explored other continents, while I on the other hand is hiding. Hiding the real me and my situation. I admit ego dominated me, I'm afraid of what people will think of me, the possible dissappointment that will come crushing through me. I've never been the kind of person that cause this things, but then a again I can't avoid life and keep on hinding, therefore I'm here again...trying to face everything by starting to write again. Hoping in the process I'll learn more things about life and what i needed to do to fix the broken part of me.

And yes...it is a deja vu...since the last real entry here is about saying goodbye to a person who have hurt me he is also the reason I'm writing now...it is like the saga continues even though I've been away...

Now that I already accepted that we just can't be together , that you can't love me more that just a friend , go and find the girl that you would really love someone whom you will love with all of your heart someone whom you will do everything for without being asked someone who will make you very happy just by making her happy.

You'll be much happier then and you deserve that and I'll go find myself a man who would really love me someone who would love me the same way as you would love that girl someone who believes that I too deserve to get the love that I give in return.

Then one day we may see each other again and when that time comes I know that we'll smile  at each other because we know that we did the right thing.

                Sometimes I don't know what to feel anymore. I told myself that I don't love him yet recently when he is sending sms, with message that seems to have a little bit of jealousy I can't help it but smile to that fact some how he still feels something for me. I'm pathetic, am I? I know deep in my heart that he's still the one and that I can't seem to forget him easily. I always tell myself to stop it and move on but why can't I. There is this feeling that's not going to give up easily, this feeling that even though I get hurt again and again still pursue my passion to love this one simple yet amazing guy, without certainty that my love will be returned.

Each message and each hi and hello from him seems to be most relieving words that anyone can tell me. Each moment that I remember him, his image, his smile, his eyes and most especially the feeling when I'm with him never fails to put a smile on my face, a homely feeling in my heart like a starry sky at night. I'm here alone yet strengthen by my love for him a force that keeps me going, inspiring me to go on and reach my dreams.

I can't deny it anymore however I hide it and remind myself that I shouldn't love him my stubborn heart keep on fighting, because my heart knows that he is the only one. 

halu!

musta? ako okie lang, medyo bz with work....teka let me rephrase that “BUSY ako sa work”...as in....tambak! sa harap na ng computer ako minsan kumakain sa dami ng work ko...hehehe...pero okie lang it keeps me from worrying other things that makes life so complicated at times. well...I think I should get to the point of this email...about the last time you text...I mean sure we could still be friends who am I ba nmn para tumanggi sa isang proposal sa maganda... Thank you very much for your honesty and courage to tell me what you feel though indirectly mong sinabi negets ko, hindi nmn kasi ako ganoon kamanhid tulad ng inaakala mo, oo may pagkabato ako pero I have to be like that. It’s somewhat like my defense mechanism to something that I’m not certain.

I have no regrets, really! I just want to say it out loud what I never have said before.As I’ve told you it’s your decision now and you made it already. No hard feelings, I’m just glad that this time around I was given the opportunity to say it to you. Yun lang naman talaga ang gusto ko at least ngayon talagang may closing na. The chapter of my life where you’ve been part of the leading role has ended and I want you to know that it has been a privilege to know you, knowing you has been a great learning experience for me, and I want to thank you for that.

But still a part of me already know that I could not take back what I let go before maybe that is why it doesn’t feel right what might have had  happen to us that night. Wag ka nang makonsensiya , kasi ginusto ko rin naman, though nag-aalinlangan nga ako. Ang hindi mo pagpaparamdam sakin okie din lang yon, minsan namimiss ko yung makareceive ng text galing sayo, pero nakatulong sa’kin yon para talagang marealize that what we had for 6 days is just an illusion, that I’m in love with the idea of you and me , but in reality it will not be possible. Tanggap ko na yon. The good thing with the whole situation is, in the process of looking for you instead of finding a partner I found a friend. A friend that I know will listen to me and will not left me. (drama na ito!)

Hay naku cge na poh….mahaba na ito…kita-kits na lang pag-uwi ko…hehehe…=)

Ciao!!

Always,

Rheanne