Obviously since the last time I blog so many thing happened. Two of my friends got married, precisely they got married. I can't seem to find my bestfriend, as he is busy looking for a job or with thier new business prospect, either way I'm not sure which is which. I'm going crazy with the people I'm managing at work. My first love is yet again a vague picture in my story and I quit may job las week.

Okay I'll start with quitting my job as this is the most exhausting....The last two months has been very difficult at work. We don't know where we stand. I felt like a slave of our other office. I've been with this company 3 years and now since the management restucture I felt I fell on the bottom of the chain, just waiting for the other staff, which is on the country to give me something to do. I'm not comfortable with it because I've work my butt off to get where I am and just because of this recession everything fell apart.

Everyday I have a feeling of any moment I'll be sack or my boss will repremend me for something I did wrong. Every single day for the last two months I'm feeling like this and it is exhausting. I don't want to live or work like this. There was also a time that we had a long holiday and everyday in that holiday I'd do 2-3 hours of work, receive a call from anyone, attend to that call and react to it....and my mind is shouting..."for goodness sake it's HOLIDAY, let me enjoy my holiday at peace." Then last week I got tired of it, I realised I don't want to spend every single day of my work life pampering other people who is more capable, has more advantage and receives bigger...so much bigger salary than I am. I call them blood suckers because the suck all the blood, energy and patience out of you just for their petty needs which they can do themselves. They are so much older that me and yet they want to be pampered like a baby. Blood suckers!!! hate them! really!

Anyway aside from those blood suckers our internal management also sucks. They knew nothing about planning and structure as well as consideration. They are people who knows nothing but to make money and feed this growing corporate "brand" business. I used to love and respect my company, we help people get job and give our service with a personal touch to it, but not it is all about feeding the need of this corporation, feeding the ego, the promises and expectations of the board. I hate the ongoing politics in our company, that is why when I resigned last week I felt freedom. I don't need to think or thier expectation of me, don;t have to worry about the people the placed here, don't need to think of ways how to satisfy the blood suckers, because in the next 3 weeks, after I finish my notice I'm free of this worries and it feels good.

Here I go again...I've been waiting for my bestfriend to go online the whole day and now that he is we can't discusse anything with sense. Have tried to open some topics but I get the feeling that he is not into it nor interested to talk to me. As if there is a gap between us or most likely a line that neither of us can cross. He is unsually quiet...it takes ages before he reply back and his reply is just composed of 3 to 4 words max. Should I ask if something is up? or am I just paranoid that he is not excited to talk to me. Have I harrassing him lately with all my complains about my work? Do he get the feeling that it always been about me?

Now I'm questioning myself well, doubting is more appropriate. Am I being so self -centered? Have I ignoring him? I know everything is not about me but am I showing people through my action that it is all about me?

I can't write now my mind is racing with senarios and things that confuses me. I should stop this nonsense, I know deep inside that it is going to hurt me one of these days. I can't continue with this feeling of depending on him. I suppose I should accept that he is not my bestfriend anymore, he can't be by myside when I need him, he is now restricted,...we are now both restricted. I should stop. I should just go back to where we are before. No communication, no confusion, no him and me, there is no more place for us. We cannot live in one world, there is him and there is me in two separate worlds we will not be able to co-exist without possibly hurting other people. It will not work and I will just hurt him, if I'm not already hurting him now.  I should stop... I really should stop.

A 360 turn of events has happend in our office now. From the harmonious relax way of working to a chaotic, depressing and stress way. I wanted it back, everything from my boss to my colleague, I want it all, but I can't, like any other things that I want. I feel like crying this afternoon, everything is directed to me and they are expecting more. I can't give them more, I already doing everything that I can at the moment.

This office of my now is a living hell. I need to decide as soon as possible if I'm going to resign. I need to shake my brain and kick myself that I cannot keep on dreaming and hoping that I will get what they have been telling me. For nearly 3 years, I've served this company yet I don't get anything more than my salary. They have give so much with the others yet none at the support team. They been promising training and seminars until now it is just words.

Recession how long will they use this as a reason. Economic crissis how much more can you burden the the people. It is a chain reaction, we know, I understood it but like any other situation, they can not use this as an excuse every time. People will get tired and will ask more question. Our management have been using this more and more and I'm getting sick of it.

It is already hell that I'm away from my family and now my career is also like hell.

There are so many changes in the last two weeks. My superior's last weeks was a challenge, so many things I must do that honestly I don't have any idea is to why I was supposed to do it. Paper works I I don't understand, commercial contracts that needs processing among others. I didn't signed up for it but it was given to me. From sunday to thursday it was just three of us in the office and everything is so quiet, I'm always annoyed with my other colleague as we kept on asking questions that has a common sense answers or other questions that was not really supposed to be asked to me rather to our boss instead as he is the only person who will be able to answer them. We call this colleague of our "KIA" as in "Know It All", but doesn't have really apply to him. He just pick-up ideas from the other person and turn it around then claim it as his....annoying really.

This last week, I got the sense of a bigger change. I felt like with the things that my new boss/es- (cause not really sure how many boss I have at the moment at they are to many to follow and decisions are always contradicting) is asking me I should start leveling up. It is a sense of bigger responsibilities that I think will be given to me soon and I should start pushing myself to upgrade my...nerve a guess...strength or my core to cope up with the new task. I don't know what have they heard about my work ethics or my skills I just hope that it is not a very high expectation as at the moment I don't know that expectation. They are not really that transparent on what they need out of you. So I'm proceeding on this based on my gut feeling and what I think is supposed to be done. Hopefully this is good enough until I find out that the new management need out of me.

I perfectly know it is a challenge and I hope I will rise to the occasion....

Just finished last night the 4th book of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. I know...I know I've been ranting about it for a while now, but still I've finished all the books in 4 weeks! I love the last 5 chapters, I'm assuming there will be a next book as I think the problem with the Volturi is not yet concluded and there is still the element of the Romanian vampires. Well I just hope there will be a next one.

cheers got to get to work...although I'm dreading it. First day, after last week's disaster sacking...

As expected today has been very difficult. Saying goodbye to my colleague going through the whole day with them knowing that I will not see them on Sunday, hearing one of them cry while the others have very low confidence of finding another job, it is torture. The whole time as if I can't breath, as if there something heavy in the chest. I wanted to cry myself.

My superior talked to me, he is telling me how they know its difficult for the ones remaining as well as the ones leaving. Hearing from him how he decided that I should stay, that I am important to the company. I felt like telling him to just shut up. "I know what's going on, we are the pawn, we are the sacrificial lamb among others." He don't have to ease my worries, it is business and as much as I hate to admit I do understand, but it still sucks!

And the most difficult part is seeing one of us who were left with a smug face when he look at the ones who are about to leave. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind but was hindered by the bigger picture that it is not worth it, he is not worth my time at all unlike for my colleague, my friends and next to family people here in Dubai. He is just one of those people who are like trash.

I will never forget Liz, Ai, Con, Jan & especially Babs whom I've spent 2.5 years at work and shared carlift for 1.5 years. All of them who are very sweet and caring, loud yet you know are sincere, comical and funny. They are my peeps they made me laugh most of the time. Listen and considers your advises sometimes annoying yet can't help but love them. They are the people I've been working with for the last 2.5 years, they are the people that I never got into an argument with, they are my my former colleague but they are my friends. Going to work on Sunday will never be the same ever again..

yesterday has been very difficult day for us in the office. I've know that we are in trouble because the economy here in Dubai is not good at the moment. I've been doing the forecasting along with my manager at seen the detoriate line of sales as early as January. I've know unconsiously that this day will arrive but kept on telling myself to be possitive and it will turn around soon enough to avoid what happen yesterday. Then again I'm wrong, the market is not picking up the office is lossing sales, seen the all time low (since the business boomed last year), this June. Main office is panicking to save their own asses...(sorry for the term as I'm getting really annoyed).. they let go almost everybody in the office except me and my other colleage. It a drastic cut off, sacking, firing what ever terms there is.

You must be thinking what wrong with me...I still have a job, probably in the next tree months or so, I'm not included in the group that just lost their job and yet I am here whining...The problem is it is not fair and worst is I kinda can't fully blame the management since I know that it is a business, they are running a business. People are despensable and replaceble when the economy gets better. Yet I can;t help myself but to think that our main office is not letting me go along with the other because they still needed something out of me. the pride in me just don't want to give it but the practical side of me is nagging that I need to do this..."nerve of steel" to survive what's happening at the moment.

"There is no permanent but change". That is why it is difficult especially what will happen today when I get to office. Today will be the last day of all the people I've work with for the last year. People I've never at into an argument , people I truly considered as my friends, people that I will miss.

Just a quick one. Finished Eclipse last Thursday, 25th June. I'm now in Breaking Dawn...last book!!! but was not able to start it until last Sunday as I did some other thing over the weekend, therefore I hold it off. Did some other stuff last friday and watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen last Saturday, which I didn't like as much as the first one. Kinda over on effects.

Anyway...told you just a quick one....I'm off to work...cheers!

Suddenly I'm on the a situation that as if I'm getting married. Last week I just spoken with my cousin and she told me that my Dad wanted to talk to me regarding some matters. Earlier this year all my family around the world went home to attend what I so called wedding of our clan...very high end...sophiticated and financially sustained. Anyway, my Dad was there...and according to my cousin it seems that he also wanted to walk me down the aisle. Background check, I've been married, though not with the whole entourage package. So, he was thinking (again from my cousin) that he would like to propose to me the same thing. The problem: "I'm not the gown..whole entourage...fluffy...financial sustain...would waste saving for a wedding that I already had. A part of me is thinking probably I should do it, but the greated part is not the to excited. I know I'm his first daughter and I should deprived him his right to walk me down the aisle and that I should give him the opportunity as well as give him a proper goodbye though it is already late, yet as I said the bigger part of me can go through it, cause for me it is not practical.

Well just need to have the talk with my Dad to get this over with. It is nonesense to fuss about it unless I really get to hear it from him..wish me goodluck!!!

After my out break last night might be good to write something on a lighter side, something that keeps me fairly sane. Last June 13 I've finished the first book in the Twilight Series. 

I instantly got hooked and I can't let go of the book almost from the first few sentences. Luckily before I read the book I haven't watch the movie yet. Although I've heard about it but I'm not into it as far as what I heard it is "a love story of a vampire" which kinda sets me off due to I'm a scardy cat with horror movies. Now my friends are buzzing that I should have listened to them in the first place and saying I'm late in the trend. However for me I don't think so as it is never to late to read the book instead since the movie is not out yet.